Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
