I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
