you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
