I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
