We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
