fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
