You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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