I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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