Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
