You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
