btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
