I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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