honey bunches of taint.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
What drink are we having for lunch?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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