you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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