Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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