Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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