how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
