My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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