If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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