sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
