Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
