Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
