Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize