This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
