i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
