I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
