i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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