My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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