i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
