the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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