i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
