just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
