I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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