How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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