Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
