He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
