Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize
