I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just gift wrapped bread.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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