Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I have tasted many bathrooms
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
