Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize