Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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