Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
