I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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