The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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