i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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