What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
