So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
