We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
