i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
