I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize