John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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