Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
