I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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