I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
