I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
