I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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