Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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