The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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