Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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