Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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