Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
