He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize