Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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