According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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