I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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