I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
